While I was standing in the kitchen making dinner last night, Mario and Drew came downstairs and told me "something weird was happening with the computers". Ever since the Great Hard Drive Crash of Ought Seven, I become alarmed when I hear news like that.
"What do you mean 'something weird'?"
"When we put the Spiderman 3 DVD in the computers, a porn video starts playing."
Silently searching my memory banks. Do Steve and I own any porn? Nooo, we don't own any porn. Spiderman 3? Which one is Spiderman 3? Is that the newest one? Did I buy Spiderman 3? What the hell does Spiderman 3 have to do with porn? I saw that movie, there was no porn in that movie-was there? No, no porn-we saw it at the IMAX-I would remember IMAX porn for sure. I'm surprised no one has thought of that yet.
"What do you mean it plays porn?" DO we own any porn that we carelessly left laying around, with a Spiderman 3 label affixed to it, masking the real title? No, I'm sure we don't own any porn. Why am I thinking we do? God, I really do have guilt about everything, don't I?
Drew sat down at Steve's laptop in the kitchen and showed me the Spiderman 3 DVD. He inserted it into the DVD tray. Normal movie graphics at first, and then....well, I'm not going to type the name of the website that popped up...but it flashed a domain name, then a movie title that rhymed with "Raisin Calls Kick Malls" then went right to a scene that involved an Asian woman and someone's family jewels, and she was demonstrating how much she liked to run her tongue over the...uh...jewelry. For what it's worth-it was very good quality, not at all grainy-although it was in black and white.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off!" I slammed the laptop shut. "What the hell was THAT?"
The boys laughed at my obvious embarrassment. Drew revealed that this was a different porn movie than the one that displayed on the computer upstairs-but they were both Asian.
"That's not funny! How did this happen? Did I buy this DVD? Where did it come from? How long have we had it?"
Mario began answering my shotgunned questions,"You bought it at Sam's Club so we could watch it in the truck on the way to Ohio. Remember? We got it right before Thanksgiving."
"Sam's Club? SAM'S CLUB? What the HELL? It doesn't do that if you watch it on the normal DVD player does it? You didn't show this to your COUSINS did you?" Please, please don't tell me my sweet, innocent little nieces and nephew saw this smut. Wait, my innocent little twelve year old just saw it. Shit!
Mario removed the offending disc and put it into the standard DVD player attached to the TV. Normal Spiderman movie, no Asian porn. "It never did this before, but we never watched it on the computer before, either."
Drew suggested, "We should sue Sam's Club! Or maybe Sony! We should sue them for damaging Mario!"
Mario responds, "I'm not damaged. It didn't really bother me."
Okay, seriously-has anyone ever heard of this? What.in.the.hell? I'm not interested in suing anyone, but for the love of God, this was not a pleasant surprise. I can't imagine what a younger child would think. Could a computer virus do this? Could it be a pirated version? I really don't have the fortitude to walk into Sam's Club and announce to the minimum wage earners there that my DVD has porn on it. Should I call a manager though? What would my readers do?